Stained Monochrome Wings

A Barren Heart

03-31-13

Frigid as a winter’s night,

You sacrificed our love yet

mine for you burns like summer,

though I await spring;

the transitions, the changes.

Maybe then I can transformation

these feelings.

Your winter’s worries

chilled the roses,

the red, the yellow, the pink.

They’re all dead.

A desolate barren heart

covered over by your snow.

Expired

03-20-13

At one point I was your beau,

my expiration date has past

and now I have to go.

Chop it up,

this fragile heart,

fucked up from the start.

The somber

tick tock

of the clock

a murky hour-hand;

stiffly counting seconds.

It’s fragmented and distorted.

Emotionally Disturbed

02-10-13

I'll never be good enough for you.

I'll just be this empty piece of emotionally and mentally disturbed piece of shit that lives with you.

And I'll never amount to anything more than just that.

No matter how much I do to distract myself from my home life,

I'll never be able to get how you see me out of my self-conscious.

But I'm supposed to hate you? The vile bloody fucking wench that banes me.

Who rebels against rebellion.

Who breaks what is already shattered.

Rendering me a wallflower; introverted and closed off.

And I'm so tired of feeling fucked up.

What can I do other than nothing?

Covering my scars with creams and cloth.

Putting on a smile daily, carrying out my tasks guilelessly.

Not sharing, not talking.

Withdrawn.

Withdrawn from a fucked up world I want no part in.

Take me the mother

fuck away.

Pressures

11-14-12 (revised 12-29-15)

Day in, day out all this shit hangs over my head. Pressures to become the “perfect child” is nearly impossible without betraying my morals and what I deem proper. Always have I been pushed one way or the other; I’ve been annoyed for a long while now by these thoughts. Was this just a test sent by some form of non-existent God to test my strength, or is this simply some kind of red string of fate to decide my destiny from Hell? Such wondering makes my head numb, as if I attempt to escape the reality of this disaster. Run, run and escape from the world. Run to escape this Devil’s image of a perfect child, to run from everything, and to feel nothing. I’m such a creature to be pitied. I am unable to find solaced no matter where I turn. It is my fucked way of living – if one would call it such – and my defense mechanism. So disown me already; or is she merely all vocal with no backbone to support hollow words? Is my existence such a trivial thing which makes her feel a need for mere words? Am I such a petty creature that she feels no need to take action? God, what an idiotic, pointless existence I have. Beaten at the bush.

On To The Next One

11-21-07 (revised-12-29-15)

I wanna get out of my life,

I need to get away from you.

You caused me so much pain and sorrow

I just need to get free from you.

I hate you so much, I want you out of my life

I don't wanna see you anymore, I'm done with you.

Just leave my friends and I alone

and be with the one you “love”

So go ahead and torment me

I don't care about what you do and say no more

Please walk out the door and just leave

I want you good and gone forever

I know that I, constantly, followed you around

Non-stop I called your phone

And for this I am sorry

But you still shouldn't have treated me like you did

I'm sick and tried of you spreading lies about me when

it's honestly none your business what I do with my life

I thought I could trust you with all that I've said,

well I guess I was wrong

You treated me so badly and I was a fool for ever loving you.

So please just leave, maybe even move away

I don't care, just leave

Me to wallow in pity and pain

while you go onto the next one.

First Heartache

11-20-07 (revised 12-29-15)

I don't know

Why did I even bother chasing after you?

You once brought me joy

but now I can only feel pain.

You did what you did because you're a jerk;

I did what I did for revenge.

You kept complaining about me and what I do.

Well don't you know I have a million things to tell about you?

You're so blind, why didn't you see it was me that cared?

Could it have been because you've spent too much time with her?

I was the one that you built up and then tore down.

And now to know that you don't even care?

Just hearing you talk about it brings tears to my eyes.

You've beaten me when I haven't done the slightest thing wrong

now I still have the bruises and scars.

I'm sorry – I started doing it again –

but now I have more scars then before.

Don't you see what you've done to me?

My heart was broken in half

and I can't seem to find the rest.

I know that you have it, just wait for me.

Waiting for me to run back so I can get

abused by your words and actions again.

Empty Love

06-14-08

The pain I have inside

feels like it won't mend.

I have to realize now, that this is really the end.

My tears won't left me see,

you surely cannot know,

I want to be beside you, but have to let you go.

The hurt that I feel,

a poison sure but slow,

I try to move my life on, but the pain just seems to grow.

If only I knew

what wickedness I've done,

If only I could right the wrong, and bring back all the fun.

But it's breaking me down.

to see you walk away.

To know you love another girl, well what more can I say?

I gave you my life.

Gave all I had to give,

I gave to you so much of me, I don't want to live.

Yet I have to go on,

with an emptiness inside.

Where once there was a loving heart, now there's empty pride.

Charmed Oblivion

05-31-10

Unappreciative with a touch of apathy

The latest fashion statement in this charmed oblivion.

Mommy, hold me close for this innocence doesn’t last.

You’ve missed out, Daddy, thanks for being there.

Going down in this charmed oblivion.

You don’t know how to listen

let me make my own decisions.

If I fall, I’ll fall knowing it was me

it will make me a better person-to-be.

Self-centered, dysfunctional, “words of wisdom”

let me make my own decisions.

As they say, home is where the hurt is.

Are these words finally seeping in?

Failing, falling, one by one,

crash all around your ignorant mind.

Once so close like real kin

now destruction of the dysfunction.

You put me through it,

this family’s fucked shit.

How could you do it?

Mother, Father, I’m not like you.

Quit raising me as if I’m the youth gone wild.

Your constant abuse, topsy-turvy my life.

I’m only fucked up because you are.

I’m the survived abortion,

your perfect little defect.

Back To Me, Back to You

03-19-09 (revised 12-29-15)

I’d rather keep this hate for myself,

Why’d I bother wasting it on you?

You went behind my back

why’d you have to go and wreck

all the good times we once had?

I’d rather keep it for myself

all this hate you threw at me,

all this hate you threw.

I’d rather keep it for myself

than give it all back to you.

Take this knife out of my back,

release me from your curse,

let me lead my life

the way I was born to.

All this hate you gave me,

all the pain I’ve endured,

thanks for making me stronger

though now I’m glad it’s the end.

Now that you’ve tainted our so-called “friendship”

what have you left to take?

You’ve revealed your inner demon,

now your ugly side shows;

or has it always?

I couldn’t tell,

you were always an ugly one.

I’d rather keep it for myself

all this hate you threw at me,

all this hate you threw.

I’d rather get back at you.

Secrets

02-23-08 (revised 12-29-15)

-

All the thoughts I think,

they all involve you.

In my heart, I love you so

and you love me all the same.

Or so I assumed.

I think of you when I'm alone,

and I sit quietly at my schoolgirl desk.

Giddy, heart palpitations,

anxious butterflies in my stomach.

I write sweet things

all about the way I feel,

the things we speak of

when no one else is around.

Some things to private to tell others.

It'll be our little secret;

These things we speak of,

the way you flirt.

To - silently -

whisper to each other

how strong our love is